i think i’m just really scared of screwing up.
like when it comes down to it, i’m just scared.
scared of being a failure, a disappointment, of not being good enough.
how do i let this fear go? how do i take risks, let alone get through life’s small challenges, with this fear of screwing it all up? i tell you, i wish i was absent minded. i wish i wasn’t so damn over-conscientious and vigilant. it makes life so anxious. i totally practice emotional reasoning too, which adds another brick to this skyscraper of cognitive distortions i’m trying to knock down.
exhibit A: this blog is a first source document on emotional reasoning. haha. realistically, nothing is wrong (probably). i’m just exhausted, i’m scared that Eden’s going to burp up that nasty Vitamin D stuff i just fed her, and choke on it in her sleep, and i’m scared that tomorrow is going to be a hard day and i’m going to let down the OT that i’m observing. BUT, none of that is probably going to happen. i’m just scared it will. and so i decided to write this blog post. i felt like i needed an outlet for all of these swirling thoughts. maybe getting it out there would help. my parents always tell me “we just trust God” and don’t get me wrong, i do too. and He’s never really failed to answer my prayers. but they make it seem so easy… at the first moment something goes wrong, my mom is praying. my dad is praying. and i’m sitting next to them on the couch thinking like, “oh SHIT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO HOW CAN WE FIX IT?!?!?!?” i just don’t understand, i don’t GET, how some people can so easily rest their wearied souls in Him. God, i want to come to you as a child, but i don’t know how… i can’t do it on my own. give me that childlike faith. how desperately i need to be redeemed.
so if you’re reading this, thank you for taking the time to follow the current happenings of my life! it it means a lot 🙂 anyways, so i GRADUATED this weekend. it was sort of a surprise to me too, because i had originally planned on doing a fourth year, to do an independent research project with one of my professors. but for several reasons, i decided it wasn’t worth it for me to do this senior project, given what my future goals are. soOoOoOo because i had enough credits to graduate, i quickly applied for graduation! i wanted to get out of school ASAP! (and now i’m like oh shoot can i go back? haha). i was hoping something would fall into place for the next year, maybe as a paid research assistant, or project coordinator, or counselor, or SOMETHING in the field of psychology, since that’s what my degree is in. the thing is, i’m not sure that i even want a career in psychology anymore. majoring in psychology was a good decision at the time, but long term… i can’t really see myself as a researcher or clinician. oh also i forgot to mention, about two months ago, while i was in the throes of deciding what to do, i found out that my sister is PREGNANT!!! it’s SO exciting. can’t believe Halli is going to be a MOM! her and Ben are going to be wonderful parents. my sister has lived in Michigan for almost two years now with her hubby Benjamin, and doggy Maximus. Hal and i are really close, and that’s still a huge understatement. we are like twins, born two years apart (ooooh.. that’s a weird image. sorry, i’m kinda creepy). lol SO… here i am. just graduated from college. unsure about what the next step is. not even sure what i want to do as a career. and my sister is 6 hours away from home, pregnant with their first child. i’ve never lived away from Buffalo (for a considerable amount of time), and i’m at this point in life where i am craving independence. for those of you who know me well, you know i’m ready to move out of my parents house and be more independent. the point of this post is kind of to let everybody know that i’m moving to Ann Arbor, MI in August to take a gap year 🙂 i’ll be working, applying to graduate school programs, probably for my Masters in Occupational Therapy or maybe Social work (not sure yet), AND being an Auntie to the newest addition of the Carbrey family, which is a huge privilege and blessing 😀
some people know what they want to do as a career RIGHT at the start of college, and that’s awesome. they can orient their lives around achieving that goal. but life is often full of detours and obstacles, and i am still in the process of figuring out what i want to do. and i’ve already GRADUATED. haha. and if i’ve learned anything through this process… it’s that THERE IS NO RUSH. there is this unreasonable pressure to decide everything NOW; to figure it all out NOW. ‘what’s your 1 year plan? your 5 year plan? where do you see yourself in 10 years?’ i’m not saying be passive and lazy… i’m one of the most proactive people i know lol. but honestly, God puts us all on different paths, at different times, for different reasons. whether you knew what you were meant to do in 5th grade, or you’re a college graduate and you still don’t know… that’s okay. seek it out. pray to our Creator for guidance. take steps down the path that seems right – and it may lead you somewhere else. i’m really excited to take a gap year, and also i’m scared to not be in school. but i know that i will learn so much about myself and God and life. to all my friends in buffalo… i’ll miss you guys so much… you are all part of me. you will always be in my heart. and don’t worry! i’ll come to visit and i’ll keep in touch 🙂 and there’s a very good chance i’ll be back. but who knows. we’ll see what the future holds! i love you all.
i always fall in love with TV couples, and this year, Danny and Mindy have taken the prize. maybe it’s the way their relationship is portrayed, with all of it’s ups and downs, with all the insecurities each person holds… it actually seems real. and after all, that’s what we all want – something real.